Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
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[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”