Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Social Media and Real life
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*