Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
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All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
The photographer’s assistant
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.