Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
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sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong