@954LeenO

nothing saves money like being antisocial

You Might Also Like

@RodLacroix

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

@BradBroaddus

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

@therepoguy

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

@ch000ch

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

@CornOnTheGoblin

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫

@Valdemort_Arg

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

@murrman5

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

@Lance_Said_This

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

@2tickytacky

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

@kimtopher22

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.