nothing saves money like being antisocial

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I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.


I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.


People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook


do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there


♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫


I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.


[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]


ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.


I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.


If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.