nothing saves money like being antisocial
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Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you