nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
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Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.