Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
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I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *