Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
You Might Also Like
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails