Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
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*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
it be like that
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
My dog learned how to text
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.