Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
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who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
They’re the worst 😩
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Day 2 of my diet
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree