Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
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[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.