Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
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[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.