Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

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Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.


I’m a:

On a:
🔘steel horse


I’m wanted (wanted):


If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.


“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.


If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.


NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you


My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.


Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things


ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this