@Horse_ebooks

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

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@Donna_McCoy

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

@daemonic3

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

@Ideal_Victoria

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

@NicCageMatch

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

@JamieGreenlees

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

@ValeeGrrl

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

@slaughthie

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

@yung__spider

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this