Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
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My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.