Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
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I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Good advice.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My teenage children choosing violence
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”