Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
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[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Why am I like this?
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using