Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”