Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*