Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
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If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
It’s an epidemic…
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease