Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
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They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
whatcha thinkin bout
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
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This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.