Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
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Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Overindulged this afternoon.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Hit me in the face with a bird
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.