Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
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[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
bury ourselves
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.