Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.