Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
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The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.