Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
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Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.