Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me trying to “trust the process”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.