Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
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My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”