Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
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*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Me trying to look natural in photos
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?