Nothing to do, you say?
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Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.