Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
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*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Thursday Thought.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.