“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
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Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.