Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
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I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.