nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
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I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Pretty much. 🤣
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.