Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
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Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time