Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
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Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Cartman: Respect my
a a
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
getting corrected
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”