Nothing.
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Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.