Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
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Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure