Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
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Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
the Monday after daylight savings
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.