Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
🤣😈🤣
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂