Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
You Might Also Like
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*