Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
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Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Squirrels before girls.
The Struggle
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over