Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
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Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
i really liked this one
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Not😆🤣
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My dad is at it again
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?