*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
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When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
The government even made aliens boring
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.