[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
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If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
The first matador
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.