*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
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🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months