Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

I’m just playing devils avocado here

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?