[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
You Might Also Like
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.