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Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Finally, an explanation.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings