“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
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I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.