@hipstermermaid

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

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@Soren_Ltd

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

@omically

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

@daemonic3

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

@SirEviscerate

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

@jessokfine

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

@marinhubka

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

@Smooheed

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

@MorganJ7

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

@Crutnacker

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

@robfee

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.