@hipstermermaid
@Soren_Ltd Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
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@Soren_Ltd 
@omically [dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
@daemonic3 Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
@SirEviscerate Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
@jessokfine Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
@marinhubka I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
@Smooheed I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
@MorganJ7 Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
@Crutnacker Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
@robfee This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
