Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
#Caturday