Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
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– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Pigeon open mic night.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.