Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
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Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that