Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
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There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
True
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”